How Much Roof Could A Roof Chuck Chuck If A Roof Chuck...

 

Picture above for no other reason than I think it was a pretty funny "monument". It has absolutely nothing to do with the content of this blog post, other than to say I'm a tad delirious right about now and the cause is dealing with our pursuit of roof replacement. Let's just say, the entire enterprise has been an education!

We have now contacted 4? 5? roofing companies. The first guy- local; thinking I'm doing something "good" by contacting a local guy. He was sleazy and didn't even climb on the roof, talked about not bothering to pull a permit and never got back to us anyway so you can cross him off our list. God knows what his estimate would come in at! (*1)

We liked the second guy: a good salesman! The company he worked for was recommended to us by a man that Bob works with. But his estimate sounded high: Like our eyebrows went up and our jaws went down. Good presentation with nice (embarrassing) pictures of our decayed roof. (*2) He gave us a starting point even though it seemed a bit high. ($22,00 but reduce to $20,000 after a discount.)

The next company, we liked the salesperson- he was related to the men who started the company. And he climbed on the roof, seemed competent, gave a straight forward accounting of what they'd do and the cost. Significantly lower than that other guy! But itemizing all the identical materials/labor/etc. Came in around $12,000- a lot of money but waaaay less than our first quote. 

From, we were feeling luckier and I called another comapny. A large man arrived and proceeded to inform us- despite the ladder on the roof of his truck- that no, he wasn't going up on the roof. After Bob and I asserted that someone from his company should, to really get a feel for what was going on up there, he vowed to return with a younger, more sprightly fellow. (*3) About an hour later they showed back up and yes! Up the ladder he flew but Bob noticed he put the ladder against the sde of the house in a weird location and carelessly right over some of Bob's sculpture. I will also mention I wasn't endeared when this younger fellow winked at me (Like really?!?!? That's going to get you the job!?!??!) Anyway, we waited a week to hear from him and his estimate came in at $16,000- midway betwen the previous companies.

But altogether my personal favorite was the next company, a large one that my sister assures me advertises on TV all the time. First one young man with an unfortunate allergy problem ( he kept snorfling and blowing his nose) emerged from his car, smelling over much of some sort of cologne. He was soon joined by another young man, reeking equally of the same scent. (*4) Anyway, they ascended onto the roof after we provided a ladder. (Again, these companies are crazy if they think they can assess the work needing doing or the damage on our dormers without going up top.) They mangaed to not fall off and agreed, yes we need a new roof.

That's when the fun started. Bob disappeared down to work in his studio, figuring correctly that I was entirely capable of accepting a bid. (I also suspect that Bob thought he'd die if he had to smell these guys any longer!) We adjourned to the dining table for them to make the pitch (*5). The chubby one did the talking. I was subjected to an interminable power point presentation all about the merits of this fine family-owned (now giant) company blah blah blah... I pointed out thta I'd already seen this same info on their website, yet they droned on. And on. And hour in (no kidding!) I explained I did have a few other things to do with my life than relive the birth of the roofing industry and remarked their spiel was "over LONG" (play on the name of the company. (*6)

So I said, "Could we just cut to the chase here?" Like please give me an estimate before I perish (I'm not that young and don't have that much time left on the planet.) The money guy (sort of like good cop/bad cop) imediately started his part of the act which consisted of lots of rhetorical, "You wouldn't want to go with the cheapest company; they'll cut corners and gyp you" etc etc and on and on drawing figures on a paper and I'm getting impatient. He finally writes a figure. HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! Just as Bob comes in and I'm guffawing and doubling over and Bob looks at the figure and starts laughing and these two guys are wondering if we've lost our minds. The money guy attempts to remedy the situation by saying there's all these convenient ways to get the price down but I point out- accurately- there is no way in hell they'll ever even get the figure down as it's easily OVER TWICE THE HIGH ESTIMATE. (*7) I had now spent and hour and a half in their company, as I ushered them out the door. I think they were incredulous that their high powered sales pitch had failed so badly but what we they thinking. And then we had to open all the doors to air the house out as it stunk. 

So where are we now? Waiting for one last estimate on Monday from a man recommended by a couple of artist friends. We'll see what that brings! All to replace what loooks like a simple roof. (*8)

(*1) And while I am not expecting miracles in this department, we suspect he was a rethuglican with a bit of MAGA support thrown in... despite him suggesting he "didn't talk politics or religion". And then proceeded to "talk politics". Ha!

(*2) Well in all honesty, not one person has said our roof looks fine. We KNOW it doesn't!!

(*3) All these compnaies now use either drones to fly over and photograph (but we found out we're too near the local airport and they can't use the drones!) or some company called Eagle Eye (or something with an eagle). This photographs our roof... from a satellite!! And what does it tell them? The fucking square footahe which we can tell them because we've measured our house's footprint. Didn't need no fancy hi-tech shenanigens for that!!

(*4) Maybe the company provides them with gallons of the stuff. I posited to Bob that they were both wearing official shirts with the company name stitched on the chest, Perhaps they're all laundered in some vile, malodorous chemical. Not sure...

(*5) Hahahahaha! Get it? Pitch? Roof pun intended!!

(*6) They claimed no one had ever complained about the length of the presentation. Hard to believe! Maybe that's how they get people to sign the contract: wear them down until they scream uncle and agree to whatever terms... just stop the bloody talk!!!

(*7) Are you ready for this: the estimate was $52,000. Hahhahahaha! I'm still laughing. Do we look rich?!??!?!? Do we look stupid??!? Don't answer that!!

(*8) And in answer to a "concerned party" I did indeed call the Town Hall. The woman I talked to at the building office said, no they in no uncertain terms cannot endorse or relay complaints about any company. Also, this woman gave me a really wonky estimate of how much a permit should cost... after admitting she was just filling in for someone absent form the department. I'm calling back in a few days...

Censored!

 

There I am, mugging for the camera in warmer days of years gone by. I am using this pucture to simple act a visual place holder. The real story here is the story. My latest garden article was deemed too edgy for the magazine that I occasionally write for. I get it: it maybe addressed some sensitive topics in my typically sardonic fashion. Therefore, I am posting it here so you can decide for yourself. Funny? or not!! Enjoy! (And let me know in the comments below!)

Themes for This Year’s Gardens

Fashion dictates the width of one’s lapels, or the shape of fins upon one’s car. Assuredly, gardeners are every bit as prone to exploitation in this coming and going of tides and trends as the next group of consumers. Last year’s All White or Santa Fe Garden seems ho-hum this spring. But what to do? In keeping with this hectic frenzy to be the first on one’s block, I proffer the following “hot tips”: a sort of sneak preview into this year’s cutting-edge trends in garden fashion.

The Car-den: Here in America the automobile reigns supreme. We are constantly seeking out the elusive concept of the true “American Garden”, and what could be more American? As we all have at least one rusting hulk taking up space on our properties, think “recycle”. We all know the old tire-inside-out planter trick- just take it a piece “further up the highway”, so to speak. Hubcaps make dandy planters, and an old transaxle stood on end makes a distinctive sculptural focal point. Vines may be grown up a spare drive shaft and that old windshield- cracked or not- makes an impromptu cold frame. Go the extra mile and create exciting garden benches from tattered back seats. In a pinch, the trunk makes a convenient tool or potting shed. Happy motoring!

The Remodeled Garden: Having some home improvements done to the domicile? What better source for garden ideas! Last year’s color coordinated appliances may look dated indoors, but outside, they’re sure to please. Let the neighbors know you’re sprucing up by planting that old sink in a garden bed… charming birdbath! And the matching toilet looks perfect with some ferns or trailing lobelia cascading over the rim. Tearing out the wood-grain paneling? It makes a stunning fence and from a distance it looks almost real. Linoleum floor gotta go? Try it as a whole new dimension in path covering. Simulated brick is so much easier to work with than the real thing- no buckling or heaving due to frost. You’ll find that wipe clean finish is terrifically low maintenance. Let your imagination run wild!

The In Town/Out of Town Garden: What better way to show you’re concerned about urban blight than to bring it on home? Here, the mood is cracked pavement and crumbling infrastructure. Tear out all those hybrid tea roses and upscale ligularias! Replant with ailanthus and ragweed! Spray paint quirky graffiti slogans like “Organic Gardening Rules” on the stockade fence. After dining at your favorite fast-food restaurant, bring home those wrappers and coffee cups and toss them in your yard. Chain link fencing is also a nice touch, especially if it’s slightly torn and you must crawl under it to gain admission to the garden. Put up signs that read, “No Loitering” and “Unauthorized Vehicles Will be Towed”. Get your friends to slump up against the fencing and solicit handouts or shout obscenities at visitors. This style of gardening is sure to gain approval among recent transplants to the country as it will make them feel right at home.

Star Ship 2024: Jealous of Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk and their journeys into outer-space? How about exploring those vast frontiers on your own chunk of Terra Firma? Nothing signals “Houston, we have a problem” more provocatively than renting a back hoe, creating several good-sized craters and applying generous tons of trap rock. Rename that garden cart the “Lunar Lander” and spend nights Moon-scaping. Plant exotic sedums, lichen, lithops and other “alien” species in large drifts...  Or better yet, consider “Is there Life on Mars?”, eschew plants altogether and simply spread that attractive orange mulch everywhere. Hire your neighbor’s kids to fly drones overhead and “beam” pictures back to “Earth”. Area 51 will have nothing on you and you’ll be boldly going where no one has gone before!