A Little Anxiety Anyone?!?!?

 

Oh look! I made a "puppy" for Robin out of a bit of her shedding fur. It's what an artist does when she's so overcome by generalized anxiety... Couldn't fall back to sleep last night. I wonder why?!??!?

F'rinstance (and in no particular order, although I could clear my throat and sing this litany to the tune of "My Favorite Things"):

*The upcoming ELECTION (only 5 days a way)... Aaaauuugh!!!!!

*A full moon.

*Mercury (continuing to be) retrograde (until Nov 4th. It figures; day after the election)

*COVID 19. Have we forgotten about the pandemic?!?!?

*Lousy stinkin' weather. Will it ever stop raining?!? (After a droughty summer!)

*Will they extend my unemployment benefits?

*Will I  ever be able to show my (art) work again?

*What's for dinner???!!?

*Did mention the upcoming election?!?

So you get the idea: just your typical, run-of-the-mill anxiety. Nothing to see here!

What Time Is It Anyway?

That's me as a human sundial. I thought the shadow of Bob's metalwork, perched on the picnic table (at 6:00 am in the light of our house floodlight) made a great image. Somehow I got into the act, too.
I haven't slept well for two nights. One of my favorite pass times when sleepless is to check the time every five minutes or so. This became an interesting exercise because our clock decided to go a bit bonkers and start posting random times. (perhaps it's simply taking an existential view of things and is suggesting that time is an artificial construct. Fascinating, but not useful as one wants a clock to be.)

I'd wake up and the clock would say "3:37".  I'd think it odd as it didn't seemed like we'd been in bed all that long The next time I checked, it would read "12:17". Then "4:52". Then back to "2:44". It was disconcerting and discombobulating as waking up in the middle of the night inevitably is anyway.
So sometimes I get up and go on the computer but sometimes I just lay there and stew in my own juices. Sometimes, Bob wakes up (or I wake him up) and we discuss foreign affairs or the state of the art world or The Orange Menace and just how fast do we think the Mueller investigation will wrap up and is Don Jr going to jail. Unfortunately, many of these topics seem designed to keep one awake. This clock may well be a member of the Trump administration as it lies constantly. It probably knows Roger Stone, too.

This is the clock we used to have in the bedroom. It now lives in my studio, not that I am preoccupied with time while enjoying artistic pursuits. It's just that when it lived upstairs  it was seemingly possessed by an odd demon that insisted on playing a tinny electronic version of "Happy Birthday" at odd hours. I think I may have previously reported on how unnerving it was to be hearing "Happy Birthday" echoing through the house... sort of like a Twilight Zone episode. Since moving to my studio, it's been remarkably quiet but tells me the temperature before and after I get a fire going in my wood stove. See that? It was 42 degrees this morning:  way too cold for my creative juices to flow!
Right now, I honestly don't care what time is, or even what time the clock wants to tell me it is. I'm tired and am going to go take a nap. See you... whenever!

Sleepless and Pensive in Suburbia

Does not being able to sleep have its merits? I guess I'm trying to find a few... Like I am finally getting around to posting this blog. But it is 2:00 am and I'd really rather be sleeping. (Thanks to our friend Louise! She shared that she had been unable to sleep last night; although tonight is the full moon (obscured by clouds and rain).
Suddenly I find us hurtling towards the end of summer... no!!! Let's face it: it's the second week of August, my "vacation" starts next week and our garden tour is only a short two weeks off. I put vacation in quotes as we're not going anywhere and we will no doubt be consumed with last minute details in preparing our vast estate for touring by the adoring public. With every passing day, I admire the passing of yet another flower and wonder- yet again!- what will be in bloom for that tour. It's a good thing that we're surrounded by flowering weeds and large outdoor sculpture. These will provide a distraction from the rapidly imploding garden borders. It's the time of year when sheer horticultural entropy ensues and ample rain assists in making all available plants cascade and tumble into one another. It's a riotous jungle and a big mess and I secretly like this chaos. There's nothing you can do about it!
This summer I have found throwing myself full tilt into gardening has certainly helped me deal with Mommy's passing. Digging in the dirt is such a healthy occupation for me, despite contracting Lyme Disease and poison ivy seemingly every time I set foot out the door. It's a cliche, but working with Nature puts the whole cycle of life thing into perspective. Things live and then die and there's not much that you can do about that, either, except do all you can to help sustain and nurture them. Gardening is also really good for taking your mind off one thing and forcing you to concentrate on all the bloody rocks that keep burping up from underground...
I have been in plant acquisition mode this year. Not only did I order up and plant a slew of asters, but I discovered lilacs (!) and ferns (!) and we need more trees... I think this is how gardening escalates. There is always another kind of plant and another type of garden to plan. If it wasn't 2:30 am I'd probably be outside, digging.

On Not Sleeping

Last night, in yet another failed attempt to sleep, I got up and accomplished quite a bit on the above piece. I sewed around all the inner edges of the letters, where the intersect and overlap the insert of horizontal fabric. I'm glad I had something to do, but I sure would rather have been asleep, leaving the artwork for day time.
Do I need to tell you that not sleeping sucks? Of course not. I'm tired, I'm not thinking clearly, I've lost some of the edge of my sense of humor, I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense and hell, I worry that my judgement has gone out the window. (Someone stop me if I consider voting for Ted Cruz. That's what lack of sleep can do to you. Snark, snark, snark.

That mug would wake the dead!! My eyes! As Robert Reich cogently pointed out in a 4 point presentation, Ted is even scarier than The Donald.)
So here I am again, at 3:21 in the a.m. wide awake and posting a blog that leaps from my latest art work to weirdo republicans in a single bound. But I guess this beats lying in bed, debating the (un) merits of getting up versus restlessly turning from side to side, trying to convince yourself that you're almost a sleep. Surprise! You're not!
There is that mysterious moment when you feel immersed in pool of almost not-consciousness and you just let go and slip into sleep, if it's going to happen. The "if it's going to happen" is crucial because if it's not happening, you spring back up like, "Hello! I'm actually wide awake!!" I've become really good at that part. Contemplating that moment of suspension and surrender is not helpful because if your twitching monkey brain is busy analyzing the threshold of sleep instead of simply crossing it, you're not sleeping.
So here I am, the only being awake for miles around, hoping to finish up this blog posting so that I can go back to the bedroom and drift off. I know that since Jules the Dog died, my sleep patterns have gone to hell. In the past if I occasionally couldn't sleep, Jules saw it as his duty to keep my company. Now, even not sleeping makes me miss Jules...
I am hoping that the impending (some time mid week?!?!?) arrival of our latest bundle of canine joy will assist in recovering the ability to sleep soundly. But I do need to take into consideration the fact that small puppies who are not house trained need to be taken outside every two or three hours. That'll do wonders for my not sleeping!

The Society of Yard Sitters

Here I am, sitting on Maggie's back. We're contemplating Bob's sculpture, "Angels Trump". Despite being astride my splendid palfrey, I am sitting still. At least temporarily...
A friend of mine from work, Susan by name, opined that she was exhausted. I concurred that Bob and I had been feeling the same way. Susan and I began comparing notes and we both realized we were reeling off vast lists of all the work we had been doing. We were so crazy task oriented, that we never stopped to admire all the work we had done. Planting our gardens, mowing the lawn, shopping for food, insulating my studio: the lists went on and on. (Susan added something quaint called "cleaning the house" but I'm not really sure what that is...) Additionally, everything needs doing at once. And, of course, to this compilation of errands and chores and endless responsibilities, you have to factor in going to work so it's no wonder we're all beat to Hell.
Even worse, I'm suffering from a related problem: I've been so on-task and multi-tasked and uber-directed that at bedtime I can't sleep. I'm plain old too tired. I sometimes fall asleep just fine, but wake several hours later, certain that I haven't accomplished something that absolutely needed doing. Truthfully, most of these things can't be done at 2:00 in the morning, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about them.
The other day, I was high on a ladder in my (soon to be completed) studio, stapling insulation to the studs. I happened to look out the window and spied my neighbor Meagan performing an unusual activity: she was sitting on her deck. Yes, just sitting. I marveled at the skill she exhibited in doing so unusual an activity. I then thought to myself, "I'd like to try that".
Here is a radical proposition: that we occasionally do nothing. I suggest we all simply stop and do nothing. I recommend ignoring all those pesky details that demand attention but probably can wait. Just sit still.
Will I follow my own advice? Probably not right now (even though I took a vacation from work) as I need to finish my studio (almost there...) and I must finish planting the garden (we are on a small tour this year...) You get the picture; it's much harder than it seems to "do nothing".
But The Society of Yard Sitters seems an idea who's time has come. If even for five minutes, I will sit still on our back deck and do nothing. Try this one at home.

Sleep Disturbances

Following up on the subject of learning to nap, I suppose it's a good time to pursue a conversation about my apparent insomnia. For the last year or so, I am one of those who awakens at 1 or 2 in the morning, unable to return to sleep. Very annoying.
Sometimes, it's caused by hyper anxiety about things like money, being an artist in such an odd world (that undervalues art and overvalues everything else- like sports, celebrity, stupid collectibles etc etc.) or the Fukishima nuclear reactors in Japan. Sometimes, like tonight, it's not even anything specific. I simply wake up and can't fall back to sleep. And hell, I'm tired. I moved a lot of perennials today!
I have been subscribing to the practice that it's better to get up and do something (like work on one's blog!) than to toss, turn, fidget and castigate one's self for being unable to sleep. Here I am...
Obviously, napping has become a nice trick to obviate the effects of sleeplessness. At least I can catch up during the day on the rest that alludes me at night. But isn't it different sleep? It seems like it is.
I used to sleep soundly. I suspect the last year with all of the major transitions and uncertainties that we endured caused some malfunction in my sleep curcuitry. But I'm more than ready to return to more continuous pattern of sleep.