The Daisy Murders

 

Looks pretty innocent, right? Hiding behind that "fresh as a daisy" trope... but let me tell you, the daisies were threatening to take over the horse field.

This is a small corner of what's left. The entire field was wall-to-wall, coast-to-coast daisies. We're talking a sea of the things. Yes, they are pretty but not only will Neko not eat them, but they crowd out useful stuff like grass. So I embarked on a daisy eridacation program. Pretty brutal!

Culling several dozen and putting them in vases was effective on a small scale, adding simple lovliness to our house but more drastic measures were required. I donned a pair of gloves, got my sharp, pointed shovel and spent a couple of hours laboriously digging hundreds of clumps out. I succeeded in clearing (maybe) the top third of the field but my hands were really tired and it was going to take weeks to eliminate the rest of these suckers.

Yesterday, I brought out the heavy weapons, fired up the mower and proceeded to chomp them all down. This took me two hours but it wasn't as hot as the rest of this week is going to be and I didn't want this invasion of floral hegemony to set seed and utterly defeat me.

And... Look!! A sea of green! (For scale, that small brown thing to the left of the tree is Neko. Puts into prospective just how much mowing I did. Yes, thank you, my legs were tired afterwards!) But I was satisfied with my handiwork and it was kind of fun as the clumps of daisies gave up easily- no match for raging machinery. You can't see it in the above picture, but there is still a small ring of daisies down by the fence line. I'm not done pushing up those daisies!!

Breakin' Rocks in the Hot Sun...

Here we are on another tip to the quarry (aka "The Moon") for a load of processed stone or "gravel". I love going there as it really is other wordly. All these guys are driving around really fast in giant trucks and hugumungous earth-moving vehicles. They look just like the toy trucks we played with as kids- only blown up a million times. 

It's a bit intimidating, too as everything is on an super human scale: equipment, random piles of rock and sand. Like that pile above? It's about 25 feet tall. 

The unhelpful woman at the quarry office told Bob that the stuff we were looking for was "on the other side of the asphalt processing plant". Uh... is that it? We circled around for around for a while before stopping a man in one of those afore-mentioned giant Tonka toys. He very nicely gave us a personal escort to the appropriate pile. We made it out alive!

So we arrived back at the driveway, which had developed a few sizeable holes. Equipped with our state-of-the-art shovels and rake, we commenced to explore all the joys of what chain-gang work must feel like on a very humid day.

One hole down and only ten or so more to go! 

Would you look at that?! Cleaned all that 3/4" processed stone and the driveway is much better for it! It was about 3/4 of a ton of stone, so we were kind of tired out after wards but look at the finished driveway:

A much smoother ride! Yay! (Until next time, becasue as carefully as you fill the holes, the gravel inevitably kicks back out and craters appeear...)

Horse in the Dog House

Evil pony! Neko has been really exasperating of late!

Neko lives to eat and is certain she's starving to death most of the time. Despite the vet (who was here for Neko's annual check up and shots) thinking she looked to be in good shape, Neko begs to differ. So Neko has been constructing ways to get to more food and drive me crazy.

As we all know, the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence. Twice, Neko has wound up in our neighbor's yard, with me having to go and retrieve her (with the neighbor's watching out the window). Talk about a walk of shame! Although Neko seemed unphased...

I watched- speecheless- as Neko proceeded to step through the tape fencing in my riding area. I thought I was doing her a favor by allowing her to graze while I did some gardening nearby and kept and eye on her. Ha! As I called out, "Neko! Just where do you think you're going?!!?!" she looked over shoulder and rolled her eyes and continued right through to the neighbor's yard. 

Neko is always at the fence ready to beg for a flake of hay or a carrot. One night when I took Robin the Good out for her pre-bedtime pee, I wondered why Neko wasn't at the fence. I went back to the house with Robin, climbed into bed and then sat bolt upright. Something told me Neko was up to no good. It's midnight by now, as I take the flashlight and walk all around Neko's pasture, calling her name. She's no where to be found. I'm thinking of all the terrible things that can befall a pony who gets loose, but where does one look for a horse late at night? For some reason, I thought to go look down by Bob's studio. Lo! there was Neko looking quite satisfied with herself, stuffing her face with lots of nice green grass. I locked her in the barn for the night.

I realized that the solar electric fence wasn't working and so I constructed and elaborate (and unfortunately unsightly!) barricade of additional fence post, plastic tubing, old sculpture... you name it. We purchased a new roll of mesh fencing to erect a smaller containment paddock up near the barn (which we still haven't erected because... who has the time?!??!?) Bob got the electric fence charger to work again, but cleaning the terminals.

I hate to say it but Bob and I got a big laugh (schadenfreude anyone?) when Neko touched her nose to the fence and freaked out and ran away. That'll teach her to respect the fence! I admit I also accidentally zapped my arm on the fence... YUP! Fence works!!! What goes around comes around!

New Hobby

 

(Not sure what happened- probably a brain fart! I forgot to "publish this post! Written over a week ago!)

Not quite sure when (or even why!) this started but I have a rather odd new preoccupation. Whenever I'm/we're out driving around, I count how many Teslas I see. I guess it's the fascination with 1.) how many people in this area can afford these cars and 2.) how many people actually are willing to give Elon Musk their money. The other day when Bob and I embarked on a short drive(under 2 hour round trip), we saw 24 Teslas! Two dozen!! (*1)

Here's the logo. Once I started seeing this symbol coming at me or in my rear view mirror I began to realize there were quite a few Teslas and it surprised me. (Or if you're behind on, there are no tail pipes and that looks strange.) I guess I'm glad that so mnay people are thinking about the environment and forgoing the use of fossil fuels but I also suspect there is a good deal of ego gratification and a smug trendiness involved. 

Yes, he's a first rate jerk in my book. Maybe smart but is not quite human and definitely not likeable. But he apparently has somewhere around 9 children; I guess someone "liked" him!

I admit to a bit of schadenfreude in my fascination. Like when I heard that in winter's cold, the Teslas wouldn't start. And then I wonder where all the electricity needed to charge these cars is coming from. Here in Connecticut, electricity is super expensive and there's always tension as to where we're sourcing it from. 

(*1) As they only come in a few colors, Bob posited that we were seeing the same 3 cars over and over again. (White, grey (maybe it's black?), red and one blue one.)

How Much Roof Could A Roof Chuck Chuck If A Roof Chuck...

 

Picture above for no other reason than I think it was a pretty funny "monument". It has absolutely nothing to do with the content of this blog post, other than to say I'm a tad delirious right about now and the cause is dealing with our pursuit of roof replacement. Let's just say, the entire enterprise has been an education!

We have now contacted 4? 5? roofing companies. The first guy- local; thinking I'm doing something "good" by contacting a local guy. He was sleazy and didn't even climb on the roof, talked about not bothering to pull a permit and never got back to us anyway so you can cross him off our list. God knows what his estimate would come in at! (*1)

We liked the second guy: a good salesman! The company he worked for was recommended to us by a man that Bob works with. But his estimate sounded high: Like our eyebrows went up and our jaws went down. Good presentation with nice (embarrassing) pictures of our decayed roof. (*2) He gave us a starting point even though it seemed a bit high. ($22,00 but reduce to $20,000 after a discount.)

The next company, we liked the salesperson- he was related to the men who started the company. And he climbed on the roof, seemed competent, gave a straight forward accounting of what they'd do and the cost. Significantly lower than that other guy! But itemizing all the identical materials/labor/etc. Came in around $12,000- a lot of money but waaaay less than our first quote. 

From, we were feeling luckier and I called another comapny. A large man arrived and proceeded to inform us- despite the ladder on the roof of his truck- that no, he wasn't going up on the roof. After Bob and I asserted that someone from his company should, to really get a feel for what was going on up there, he vowed to return with a younger, more sprightly fellow. (*3) About an hour later they showed back up and yes! Up the ladder he flew but Bob noticed he put the ladder against the sde of the house in a weird location and carelessly right over some of Bob's sculpture. I will also mention I wasn't endeared when this younger fellow winked at me (Like really?!?!? That's going to get you the job!?!??!) Anyway, we waited a week to hear from him and his estimate came in at $16,000- midway betwen the previous companies.

But altogether my personal favorite was the next company, a large one that my sister assures me advertises on TV all the time. First one young man with an unfortunate allergy problem ( he kept snorfling and blowing his nose) emerged from his car, smelling over much of some sort of cologne. He was soon joined by another young man, reeking equally of the same scent. (*4) Anyway, they ascended onto the roof after we provided a ladder. (Again, these companies are crazy if they think they can assess the work needing doing or the damage on our dormers without going up top.) They mangaed to not fall off and agreed, yes we need a new roof.

That's when the fun started. Bob disappeared down to work in his studio, figuring correctly that I was entirely capable of accepting a bid. (I also suspect that Bob thought he'd die if he had to smell these guys any longer!) We adjourned to the dining table for them to make the pitch (*5). The chubby one did the talking. I was subjected to an interminable power point presentation all about the merits of this fine family-owned (now giant) company blah blah blah... I pointed out thta I'd already seen this same info on their website, yet they droned on. And on. And hour in (no kidding!) I explained I did have a few other things to do with my life than relive the birth of the roofing industry and remarked their spiel was "over LONG" (play on the name of the company. (*6)

So I said, "Could we just cut to the chase here?" Like please give me an estimate before I perish (I'm not that young and don't have that much time left on the planet.) The money guy (sort of like good cop/bad cop) imediately started his part of the act which consisted of lots of rhetorical, "You wouldn't want to go with the cheapest company; they'll cut corners and gyp you" etc etc and on and on drawing figures on a paper and I'm getting impatient. He finally writes a figure. HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! Just as Bob comes in and I'm guffawing and doubling over and Bob looks at the figure and starts laughing and these two guys are wondering if we've lost our minds. The money guy attempts to remedy the situation by saying there's all these convenient ways to get the price down but I point out- accurately- there is no way in hell they'll ever even get the figure down as it's easily OVER TWICE THE HIGH ESTIMATE. (*7) I had now spent and hour and a half in their company, as I ushered them out the door. I think they were incredulous that their high powered sales pitch had failed so badly but what we they thinking. And then we had to open all the doors to air the house out as it stunk. 

So where are we now? Waiting for one last estimate on Monday from a man recommended by a couple of artist friends. We'll see what that brings! All to replace what loooks like a simple roof. (*8)

(*1) And while I am not expecting miracles in this department, we suspect he was a rethuglican with a bit of MAGA support thrown in... despite him suggesting he "didn't talk politics or religion". And then proceeded to "talk politics". Ha!

(*2) Well in all honesty, not one person has said our roof looks fine. We KNOW it doesn't!!

(*3) All these compnaies now use either drones to fly over and photograph (but we found out we're too near the local airport and they can't use the drones!) or some company called Eagle Eye (or something with an eagle). This photographs our roof... from a satellite!! And what does it tell them? The fucking square footahe which we can tell them because we've measured our house's footprint. Didn't need no fancy hi-tech shenanigens for that!!

(*4) Maybe the company provides them with gallons of the stuff. I posited to Bob that they were both wearing official shirts with the company name stitched on the chest, Perhaps they're all laundered in some vile, malodorous chemical. Not sure...

(*5) Hahahahaha! Get it? Pitch? Roof pun intended!!

(*6) They claimed no one had ever complained about the length of the presentation. Hard to believe! Maybe that's how they get people to sign the contract: wear them down until they scream uncle and agree to whatever terms... just stop the bloody talk!!!

(*7) Are you ready for this: the estimate was $52,000. Hahhahahaha! I'm still laughing. Do we look rich?!??!?!? Do we look stupid??!? Don't answer that!!

(*8) And in answer to a "concerned party" I did indeed call the Town Hall. The woman I talked to at the building office said, no they in no uncertain terms cannot endorse or relay complaints about any company. Also, this woman gave me a really wonky estimate of how much a permit should cost... after admitting she was just filling in for someone absent form the department. I'm calling back in a few days...

Censored!

 

There I am, mugging for the camera in warmer days of years gone by. I am using this pucture to simple act a visual place holder. The real story here is the story. My latest garden article was deemed too edgy for the magazine that I occasionally write for. I get it: it maybe addressed some sensitive topics in my typically sardonic fashion. Therefore, I am posting it here so you can decide for yourself. Funny? or not!! Enjoy! (And let me know in the comments below!)

Themes for This Year’s Gardens

Fashion dictates the width of one’s lapels, or the shape of fins upon one’s car. Assuredly, gardeners are every bit as prone to exploitation in this coming and going of tides and trends as the next group of consumers. Last year’s All White or Santa Fe Garden seems ho-hum this spring. But what to do? In keeping with this hectic frenzy to be the first on one’s block, I proffer the following “hot tips”: a sort of sneak preview into this year’s cutting-edge trends in garden fashion.

The Car-den: Here in America the automobile reigns supreme. We are constantly seeking out the elusive concept of the true “American Garden”, and what could be more American? As we all have at least one rusting hulk taking up space on our properties, think “recycle”. We all know the old tire-inside-out planter trick- just take it a piece “further up the highway”, so to speak. Hubcaps make dandy planters, and an old transaxle stood on end makes a distinctive sculptural focal point. Vines may be grown up a spare drive shaft and that old windshield- cracked or not- makes an impromptu cold frame. Go the extra mile and create exciting garden benches from tattered back seats. In a pinch, the trunk makes a convenient tool or potting shed. Happy motoring!

The Remodeled Garden: Having some home improvements done to the domicile? What better source for garden ideas! Last year’s color coordinated appliances may look dated indoors, but outside, they’re sure to please. Let the neighbors know you’re sprucing up by planting that old sink in a garden bed… charming birdbath! And the matching toilet looks perfect with some ferns or trailing lobelia cascading over the rim. Tearing out the wood-grain paneling? It makes a stunning fence and from a distance it looks almost real. Linoleum floor gotta go? Try it as a whole new dimension in path covering. Simulated brick is so much easier to work with than the real thing- no buckling or heaving due to frost. You’ll find that wipe clean finish is terrifically low maintenance. Let your imagination run wild!

The In Town/Out of Town Garden: What better way to show you’re concerned about urban blight than to bring it on home? Here, the mood is cracked pavement and crumbling infrastructure. Tear out all those hybrid tea roses and upscale ligularias! Replant with ailanthus and ragweed! Spray paint quirky graffiti slogans like “Organic Gardening Rules” on the stockade fence. After dining at your favorite fast-food restaurant, bring home those wrappers and coffee cups and toss them in your yard. Chain link fencing is also a nice touch, especially if it’s slightly torn and you must crawl under it to gain admission to the garden. Put up signs that read, “No Loitering” and “Unauthorized Vehicles Will be Towed”. Get your friends to slump up against the fencing and solicit handouts or shout obscenities at visitors. This style of gardening is sure to gain approval among recent transplants to the country as it will make them feel right at home.

Star Ship 2024: Jealous of Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk and their journeys into outer-space? How about exploring those vast frontiers on your own chunk of Terra Firma? Nothing signals “Houston, we have a problem” more provocatively than renting a back hoe, creating several good-sized craters and applying generous tons of trap rock. Rename that garden cart the “Lunar Lander” and spend nights Moon-scaping. Plant exotic sedums, lichen, lithops and other “alien” species in large drifts...  Or better yet, consider “Is there Life on Mars?”, eschew plants altogether and simply spread that attractive orange mulch everywhere. Hire your neighbor’s kids to fly drones overhead and “beam” pictures back to “Earth”. Area 51 will have nothing on you and you’ll be boldly going where no one has gone before!

 

Scary Story!

 

This little weasel (aka Robin the (sometimes) Good) gave us quite the scare yesterday and we're not entirely out of the woods yet. As is typical, Robin ate, I fed Neko (with Robin's help) and then we retire upstairs to join Bob and look at the news on the Internet. Robin always get a Kong (*1). So we're drinking coffee and looking at the idiotic things that rethuglicans are puling on about when I turn to Bob and say, "Where's Robin?" She had obviously finished the Kong and had debarked to other parts.

I walked downstairs and Lo!! The muffins I had placed on the counter to thaw for breakfast has mysteriously disappeared. Robin was looking guilty and sort of slunk off into the living room, I took three more muffins out of the freezer. (In all fairness, she had left us one muffin) 

About twenty minutes later, it occurred to me that these were bran muffins... with RAISINS which we all know are poisonous to dogs. I took out my phone and gooogled just how toxic are they... turns out VERY!! Like 1 raisin for ten pounds of dog! Like I know Robin consumed more than 6 raisins!!

So I call our vet and they advise to give her a teaspoon of hydrogen peroxide 3% every 15 minutes until she throws up. Anyone want to guess how hard that is? I think I managed to get like a drop of peroxide in her mouth and a bunch all over my face and hands (She wasn't having it). So off to the vet's we went; me hoping that Robin would simply puke in the car as she hates car rides anyway but no go.

I wind up waiting at the vet's for over two hours as they try (unsucessfully) induce vomiting. (*2) I sat with Robin, thinking maybe seeing me would help her hurl in unfamiliar surroundings. Still nothing. So the vet then takes Robin back into an exam room and they stuff her full of charcoal, which apparently helps absorb any toxins, which she will then throw up. They instruct me that when she throws up, it will be a big, fat, nasty, gooey, black mess.

Which it was because three minutes after returning home, Robin hurled copiously all over the living room rug. Personally? I was simply glad she had expelled the offending food (*3). I examined it (yes, that's what dog owners do!) and it looked pretty undigested so I'm at least mostly sure she got rid of everything in her.

Today, she seems fine. She ate with gusto (nothing off our counter), ran around outside, pooped an "interesting" black turd (more charcoal!) and seems fine. She is due to return for a follow-up exam on Saturday to check her blood for abnormal readings. I told her today that those were the world's most expensive muffins: $300 for three muffins!!!

(*1) A large-ish rubber thing that looks like some sort of sex toy that you fill with broken up dog biscuits and peanut butter. Robin is a serious fan of her morning Kong!! Keeps her "busy" for about three minutes...

(*2) Interesting fact: I noticed Robin's eyes were really red and the vet explained the vomit-inducing medication is administered through eye drops! Who would think this?!!?!? It apparently gets absorbed really quickly through the conjunctiva! Weird!

(*3) Lots of it! Breakfast! A Kong! Three muffins!! The dog is NOT starving!!